I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
