I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have post one night stand depression
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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