I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
