If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
