You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need water and some morals
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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