i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
