Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Randomize
