When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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