just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
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Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.