i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
