She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...