She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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