I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
