don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
