I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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