Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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