who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
