That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
