She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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