Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
