i will never coherently bang her
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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