So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
