you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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