no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
