When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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