Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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