I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
