i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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