I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
