It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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