Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
