my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
