Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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