Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
