i think my tv is drunk
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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