I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
