I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
