First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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