i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
