I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
