He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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