I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
