I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
