i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
