This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everyone says I win the strip club
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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