The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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