once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
