Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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