Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
