I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
