I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
