Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
