We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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