Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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