you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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