so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
