Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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