On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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