Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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