bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
