I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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