i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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