Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
